College freshman Zachary Burnross investigates a scheme that he finds will cheat townfolk out of a vital fluid in exchange for a phony university diploma.

CLICK if it's your pleasure to hear one of Zachary's sentimental favorites (here honoring gorgeous Willow Runcible):

In this passage from Something for Nothing Zachary is not yet aware of the potential evil and now hopes to make a small profit by recruiting Sheriff Chaud for the Balona University free diploma program. He approaches the sheriff's kitchen:

   "Zachary!" shouted Mrs. Chaud, a large-boned, friendly lady. "Come on in and have a nice warm bearclaw." The kind of bearclaw she was offering is a tasty baked treat stuffed with raisins and topped with frosting. She bakes them herself. How could I refuse?
   I seated myself at the kitchen table where the sheriff was undoing a cardboard box. "I got tired of a nine-millimeter, even though it's got a twenty-shot clip," he said, busily hacking at the box with his butter knife. "So I got me one that will do a better job with less bullets."
   "Wow," I said, displaying appreciation for both Mrs. Chaud's bearclaw fresh from the oven and for the sheriff's improved job potential.
   "Looky here," he said, removing a large blue-black object from its wrappings. It was a monster revolver. "This here is a Benvolio Fifty-five. It's a huge-big caliber bore, Zachary, bigger even than the sniper rifle the soldier boys use. It will take off not only the head of a evil-doer, it will take off his whole neck, along with his adam's-apple."
   "Oooo," said Mrs. Chaud, approvingly.