from Jonathan Pearce's The Chocolate Korndog: A Gustometric Adventure
One
I, Joseph Oliver Kuhl, a tall blond community college sophomore, "handsome in his way" (as described by a bunch of women in my history) am puzzled. I am ashamed about how come the discovery of the chocolate korndog by my dad, Kenworth O. Kuhl, created a state of mind in my little brother Richie that caused such miserable outcomes in our hometown of Balona, CA 95232. And I'm worried about what my little brother is going to do that will maybe put me in jail.
But for the parts that turned out good, I have to give credit where credit is due, so I would say that the arguments and the uproar--if not the invention itself--all started when my schoolmate over at Chaud County Community College, Patella Sackworth, wrote up a column that finally got printed in the Courier. Although she has been known around Balona for her diligence in pursuing me as a romantic prize, her column now shows that she no long appreciates me as an object of romance. The column also points out that she has taken up with a younger man, who happens to be my Cousin Zack. This unromantic development is not exactly a disappointment.
Patella's Patter
by Patella Euphella Sackworth
Who could imagine not having snack time? This columnist becomes faint just thinking about the possibility. So when I ran out of maplenut ice cream the other morning, and couldn't make my usual morning snack-time milkshake to have with my usual morning snack-time korndog, I took my korndogs along and drove Barney over to my new boyfriend's house and did something unusual.
Since he objected to getting his blender all messy, like he said, and since he didn't have any maplenut ice cream anyway, I went and made myself a pot of cocoa, him watching. And so then I had cocoa with my morning korndog snack. He also joined me in this pleasure.
What I am writing about in this column here is that the scales fell from my eyes when I did that. What I mean is, cocoa and korndog beats maplenut milkshake and korndog, hands down! So that's what I am recommending all you snackers do, instead of drinking milkshakes. Drink cocoa. Or you could drink chocolate drink, too. Either the kind in the box that you stir up with milk. Or the kind that you buy in a carton or bottle already liquid, sometimes called chocolate milk.
I have tried all those kinds, and I recommend the cocoa made with real cow's milk and a little sugar to taste. If you use too much sugar, I found, you probably will drink too much cocoa since it tastes better that way. And you might finish it up before you got through with your korndog. The ideal way of a morning snack is to have your korndog and your cocoa finishing up at the same time.
Anyway, this is my discovery which I shared with my new boyfriend, Mr. Zachary Taylor Burnross, a handsome red-haired young fellow, almost graduated from Balona High School in another few months. Mr. Burnross was impressed with my discovery and said my taste was pretty good and he was changing his snacking habits, too. So maybe I have started a revolution!
# # #
You will notice that Patella is not talking about a chocolate korndog. What she is talking about is having a regular korndog with cocoa. That's a different thing entirely. But it is what started it all. Probably.
Saturday, I was doing my part-time job as Assistant Chief Boxperson at Mr. D. H. Carp's Groceries & Sundries where both Patella and Zack were looking at the magazines. Actually, Zack was examining the condom display, but I happen to know that Zack doesn't believe in sex, since it leads to reproduction, and he has expressed his opposition to reproduction on general principles.
So his interest was just a matter of curiosity with him, as he explained later. Zack pointed out that it was unreasonable that there should be so many "extra-large size" condoms for sale, since any modestly observant guy in the locker room will note that the manufacturers have overestimated the market and will probably go broke.
Anyway, then Mrs. Bellona Shaw came in and started looking at the magazines. She may also have glanced at the condoms, too, because they are propinquitous, but she didn't remark on the fact. (You will soon discover that I am practicing using Doctor Fardel's favorite vocabulary list, and will probably make an A soon if I continue to strive on thus and maybe show her the product, including my original and creative variations on her words.)
"What'd you think about my snack-time idear in my column, Bellona?" went Patella, fishing for compliments, since Mrs. Shaw is a regular columnist for the Courier where Patella is only the publisher's granddaughter.
"Well, dear, I thought the column was fun. I cannot imagine having cocoa with a korndog, since they have completely different tones, but it was interesting." Mrs. Shaw started examining the magazines and humming, like she was too busy or disgusted with the combination to think about Patella's snack idea.
Patella's lower lip immediately shot out and hung there like Binky Swainhammer's belly. She obviously felt dissed by Mrs. Shaw. If you thought about it, you could predict that here was a real feud in the making. If I was a betting person, I would bet that Patella would find some way to diss Mrs. Shaw back. As it turned out, I was right.
Since it was sort of related to Patella's snack idea, I guess I started the part that became a big problem by mentioning my dad's discovery of the chocolate korndog to Patella and pointing out how she was responsible for stimulating the creative thought.
"Eeeeew!" she went when I described the delicacy. "Even the thought of it makes me sort of sick." I forgave Patella for her remark, since she was probably still affected by Mrs. Shaw's dissing. But then she went on to say, "Ugh. Like your famous tunafish milkshake."
Patella was being downright insulting, disrespecting the creative discovery which I happened to invent in my head at Frank's Soupe de Jour one day when I was showing off for Claire Preene, a local heiress that my ma believes I am pre-destined to marry someday. Claire was there, and Patella, and probably Sal Shaw and somebody else, maybe Jack Ordway.
Everybody in the crowded booth ordered korndogs and ordinary maplenut or chocolate or strawberry milkshakes, except me. "I'll just have a tunafish milkshake with my korndog, Frank." [end of 3d page]
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