CLICK at your pleasure to study your algebra in time to Joe's favorite tune (next to The Rite of Spring and the final blasts of The 1812 Overture, of course.)

Here is a passage from Heavier than Air. The conversation takes place before the Big Discovery. Joseph Kuhl is sitting on the carpet in a corner of the Kuhl living room after a heavy Thanksgiving meal. He is joined by his cousin Nimitz MacArthur Chaud, "Pastor Nim."

   "Hey, Joseph. You holding the walls together there?" It's Cousin Nim who manages to fold-up his seven feet and sink all the way down to sit next to me, his back to a wall, too. He messes with his pants leg so the connection of his leg to his fake plastic foot is covered up. He's eating a piece of toast.
   "How come you don't eat turkey, Cousin Nim?" This is a conversation thing a guy learns from reading How to Win Friends and Influence People, a book I sort of read back when I was 15 and feeling sort of lonesome. What you do is, you ask a guy a question and then look interested in his answer, whether you're interested or not.
   "Ahm. I prefer veggies and grains, Joe. Taste better and I don't have to look into their eyes and think about their death throes."
I felt turkey gobbling in my stomach and I swallowed hard. I decide to change the subject.    "You ever wish you was rich, Cousin Nim?"
   "When I was a very young person, I considered that question."
   "And?"
   "And I decided if great wealth should ever come my way, I would know precisely how to dispose of it."
   "Wow. I wut'n know how to do that."
   "I'll bet you would, Joe. Think about who needs what, and you're almost home free."
He doesn't mean feng shui. He means he'd give his money to poor people.    "Oh," I went.
We sat there looking at our relatives flaked out in various positions on the carpet, their belts unbuckled for comfort. Most were sleeping, some passed an occasional blast of Thanksgiving-celebration gas, more or less discreetly. Uncle (Cousin) Ned was still nipping at the Early Times, a new bottle my dad had brought in for the guests. Dad doesn't touch whisky, only a Valley Brew once in a great while. I like Hires in a can myself. Cousin Nim prefers apple juice. Takes all kinds.
   But even though Cousin Nim is a great man--a really great man--I wouldn't give my riches to poor people. I'd buy myself the latest model Air Jordans and a boat and a trailer to put the boat on, and a pickup to pull the boat-trailer. And a dog. A smart dog that didn't smell so much like dog, the way Killer does.
   I thought a while longer, but couldn't think of anything else I'd buy right away. Probably put some in the bank. Probably ask Claire out on a date in my new pickup wearing my new Air Jordans. Being filthy rich would probably sort of stunt your thinking ability....        

Air

CRITICS SAY